[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
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It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet