St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
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The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Smooooooth
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Good point.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.