Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
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(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that