Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
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running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.