Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
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Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
my mom making me talk to relatives
me when I see my crush
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.