You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
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establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8