I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
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I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
I cannot stop laughing at this
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen