Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
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well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Carpe DM