dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
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robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.