“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
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Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
twitter is a journey
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?