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Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…