My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
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me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
So true for me
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.