My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
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I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
BRAKING NEWS!!
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?