how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
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Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Bootstraps
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Hitlers gonna hitl
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.