Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
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Yeah. This was me today.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
🙂🐾
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.