Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
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my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).