My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
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The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.