Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
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I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
✌️
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Harsh but fair
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta