Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
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Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
screw you
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
I remember when yoga was called Twister.