If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
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Incredible customer service.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.