DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
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Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST