If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
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Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)