“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
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carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face