[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
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I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People