People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
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The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers