Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
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BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants