You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
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As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
I came this close!!!!
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”