Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
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When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.