”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
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Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
The human personality is made of five key elements
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.