There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
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[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.