[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
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ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
I have never heard an armadillo before.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or