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I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?