Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
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I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Brb my Sims are getting married
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING