What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
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They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
*Inspirational Tweets*
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Waiting for the Charmin
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.