I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
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🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
$4 #usedbooks
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.