Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
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Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.