Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
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No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP