My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
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Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
My first son he is wonderful
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero