Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
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You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
can you read it!!??
maan!
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
sistine chapel
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function