Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
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There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!