mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
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Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean