DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
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I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
🖤✌🏽
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.