American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
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I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
I created you as mosquito food.