I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
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Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Good morning, Twitter x
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*