Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”