some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
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One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Happy thanksgiving
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
I have a type: disappointing
no cat here
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me: