i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
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Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
The Friday File.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.