I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
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*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head