My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
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GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
I’ve been drinking.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Getting married soon just need a spouse
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Are you ok, human???