Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
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And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
o shit
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
What the hell happened in there??
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.